Journals

Journal entries recount specific experiences without going into the detailed analysis and refinement contained in Essays.

Healing: A New Template for Relationships

In the early morning hours of June 10th, I received a “download” regarding “healing relationships.” This download was to heal any kind of relationship—romantic, familial, platonic, or professional. I remember being told, or being aware, that I was receiving “a new template” for relationships. I saw what looked like a clear plastic sheet about the size of an iPad Mini, inscribed with words or code that I couldn’t read.

During this process, I kept thinking how important all this information was, and was doing my best to remember it. But of course, what I’m conveying here is all that I can consciously remember. I’m certain, though, that all of it is stored in the memory banks even if it’s not currently available to my conscious ego mind.

Before I went to bed that night, my husband and I had been having an important discussion about an issue that if not resolved, threatened the future of our otherwise happy marriage. When we went to bed, we were in a tender, loving space even though we had not yet reached a place of resolution. When I awoke the next morning after receiving the download, nothing of the issue mattered to me. All I could feel was how much I love my husband and how grateful I am to have him in my life. A couple days later, he kept telling me the same thing—quite repetitively, actually—with a depth and intensity I hadn’t felt in quite a long time.

It seems the “new template” worked.

 

Total Solar Eclipse – August 21st 2017

I had a dream recently about the upcoming total solar eclipse on August 21st of this year, 2017. It was noteworthy in that I was completely lucid in the dream and was trying very hard to remember all the information being conveyed to me because it was important. However, I can only remember what I’ve written here.

During the eclipse in the dream, I saw a light in the corridor of my house; it had a magnificent corona around it, similar to the sun’s corona during a total solar eclipse. It appeared as a huge, whitish gold plasma field emanating from the light and it seemed very much alive and sentient.

I thought, Wow! This is amazing, and I marveled at the wonder of it. Then later as I passed a window or mirror, I saw my reflection and I too, had this amazing plasma-like corona emanating from me. I became very excited and filled elation. I noticed that my husband also had the same type of corona about him. A feeling overcame me of limitless possibilities that had never before been available to me. It truly felt like anything I could conceive I could do, and my heart was filled with great joy.

However, not everyone was affected by the eclipse in the same way. Many people were dying because of the eclipse. People were beginning to panic. Nonetheless, I knew that those people who were “dying” were not actually “dead” but were being ushered into a space more suitable for them, as I and others who were experiencing the corona and elation were moving into a space more suitable for us. I knew that regardless of how things appeared outwardly, there was nothing to worry about; that even though this event seemed like a disaster from one perspective, something wonderful was happening.

Just before I awoke from the dream, I saw an image of me leaning over to kiss Captain Picard from the TV series, Star Trek: The Next Generation. I am a huge Star Trek fan, and for me Captain Picard represents the quintessential explorer. This is relevant because I see my truest essence as a Creator/Explorer, and my purpose here has been to explore and learn from this Creation. Thus, this dream also represents to me the possibility of extending my explorations to even deeper regions of my core Self and advancing my level of consciousness.

Captain Picard also represents the embodiment of the world of The Next Generation. It is a world that has made peace with itself, a world that not only no longer pursues economic gain at the expense of others, but has dispensed with money entirely. It is a world that is driven by the desire to learn, to explore, and to better oneself through the pursuit of knowledge, creativity and striving to reach one’s highest ideals. Clearly though, in the series and the movies, it is a world still much affected by human flaws and is far from perfect. However, it is a major step up from the state of barbarism and savagery we experience today. So for me, the image of leaning over to kiss Captain Picard also represents my willingness to embrace (and possibly merge with) a higher, more advanced version of human consciousness, as well as a balancing of my inner masculine and feminine.

I see the energy of this eclipse as ushering in all these possibilities. Regardless of what events may unfold around this eclipse, for me it feels like an incredibly cathartic and positive event.

I present this dream to those who may be reading it solely as another perspective to consider and I am not making any predictions about what will happen as a result of this eclipse. Eclipses have a way of showing us what we have hidden from ourselves, and it will no doubt affect everyone differently and in deeply personal ways. However, I would urge anyone reading this to look deeper than the superficial world affairs of conflict and chaos, and to go within and explore what it reveals for you. My feeling is that some people will respond to this energy quite ecstatically, and others will feel fearful about it. There is no right or wrong in this and we must each reckon with ourselves. Set your intentions for your highest vision of yourself and focus only on that… and see what possibilities are revealed.

*Image copyright 2006 Stefan Seip, Stuttgart

 

The Joy Particle

I’d like to share some experiences from 2014 that may be of interest here. The energies I was experiencing at that time seemed to fluctuate between moments of intensity, prolonged periods of restlessness and—dare I say it—boredom. The following is a journal entry I recorded around that time:

“I will describe the loveliest experience first. It happened in mid or late July 2014. I was at work, feeling typically numb and focusing on my job. Then I felt it. It was so incredibly brief I could have easily missed it and continued on without another thought. But I didn’t miss it. I can best describe it as The Joy Particle. It felt as if a particle of pure, ecstatic joy entered my body through my back between my shoulder blades and exited through my chest. It passed through in what must have been a nanosecond; almost imperceptibly fast, yet just enough to register within my awareness. Although the moment was exceptionally brief, it was intense. The experience was Joy—ecstatic, beautiful perfection, beyond anything this shadow world can offer, almost mind blowing in its wonder. I stopped what I was doing as it registered within me and began to cry. I couldn’t help it; I felt such gratitude for the experience. The dark moments in this world are so dark, nearly intolerable, and this was a gift that I have continually returned to in reveries when I feel I am reaching my threshold of pain and grief.

Then I began to wonder why the experience was so brief. Immediately the answer emerged. It would have been overwhelming; the body would not have been able to tolerate it. I have a feeling too, that it was a prelude of things to come. There may be more of these “Joy Particles” and others may begin feeling them as well, if they haven’t already. I do know, however, that if I experience it again I will gladly surrender to it even if it turns this body to ash.

I should mention that there were some experiences prior to the Joy Particle that were not at all lovely, and were actually quite harrowing. I feel they were connected to the Joy Particle experience in some way, though my mind cannot as yet understand how. During this period I was experiencing intense night terrors. I would awake from a seemingly peaceful sleep screaming in terror, as if someone had awoken me with electric shocks. These were truly horrible, horrible experiences. Most of these fears were based in the mentality of survival and the belief in “death.” Although mentally and experientially I know that what I truly am cannot die, the programming of such is so deeply encoded into our biological vessels and the operating system of this particular holo-program (I won’t call it “reality” because what we experience here is nothing of the sort), it seems we have to pass through some kind of cathartic process to de-program ourselves of it.

What is interesting to me is that every single person I know who is committed to the path of “ascension” or reconnecting to their real life outside of this Holodeck program is going through the same thing—intense fears for their survival with frequent visits of the panic parade circling the house and occasionally getting swallowed up in it for hours if not days on end. For me, the brunt of it has passed and I’m beginning to feel rather numb to it all. Truly, how much fear and abject terror can one endure, pass through without harm, and not begin to realize that it is simply a process and not the end? For heaven’s sake, I even nearly died from a heart attack during this time. It was clear my body was “dying”. So this is it, this is how I leave this world, I thought, and I was accepting of that. I was lucid and unafraid during the experience and decided to wholly surrender to it. As soon as I did, the pain and pressure subsided and I was able to breathe and move again. I then wondered if I should go to the doctor or hospital and my inner voice said no, that they would find nothing wrong with me to explain what happened. And here I am, physically fine. (I should mention that I did go to a doctor some time after that, and they did an electrocardiogram in addition to some other tests, and my heart is in excellent health.)

What is a wonder to me is that even during that highly tumultuous time, I would experience moments of inexcusable joy. By “inexcusable” I mean joy that has no logical reason for being there; it is not predicated on any external circumstance, it just is. Ironically, this would usually unfold while I was at work of all places! I would feel total peace and contentment for everything exactly as it is—no need or desire to change anything; perfect clarity of mind and an inherent knowing that regardless of how things appear, there is absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. I would also feel deep connection and compassion with everyone around me, a playful light heartedness and an overriding feeling of gratitude for everything I’ve experienced here, even the most painful and traumatic moments. This joy would last for a few hours to a day. I am continually awed that I am capable of feeling such rage, fear, trauma, and grief in any given moment, and at the same time feel wholly at peace with it and in gratitude for everything I’ve experienced. Most importantly, I feel wonder about being willing to relinquish all of it.

Even though I am the one experiencing these things, my mind continues to marvel at it all and simply cannot grasp it. These are times that defy reason; simply to experience is key, and the mind can only expand when it treads into realms as yet unexplored.

Image courtesy webdesignhot.com.

 

Totality

One of the things that has consistently made it difficult to communicate what I am experiencing is that most of the time I feel tremendously overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed because I feel everything. Over the years, I have experienced a state of being that I call “totality.” It encompasses the totality of any given emotion and sometimes, specific conditions as well. To put it more succinctly, when I experience the totality of grief, for example, I experience the totality of all grief that has ever existed– past, present and future.

The first time I recognized it was in the spring of 2003, when I began a several week bout of uncontrollable crying. At first it was clear that this was deeply repressed pain that was surfacing. But as the weeks progressed and the grief became ever deeper, there was a moment of clarity when I knew I was not simply experiencing my personal grief, but had somehow transcended into a state of being comprised of the totality of all grief ever experienced. Although this is actually more of a state of being, for simplicity’s sake I will call it a realm. This realm of totality is infinite and exists outside of time. It was as if I were drowning in an endless sea of grief that had always existed. It seemed that deeply feeling my own pain had served as a gateway into this experience.

Over the years, I have experienced the totality of grief, rage, and terror among others. These experiences are overwhelming and make it exceptionally difficult to focus on anything else. This is partly why I’ve been unable to work full time or even focus on my job or daily tasks that need to be attended to. Occasionally it becomes incapacitating and has led to several “breakdowns”.

But it has not all been traumatic. I have also been blessed to experience the totality of compassion. Years ago, when I would feel overwhelmed by the suffering of the world, I would imagine holding the earth and all it’s inhabitants in my arms, rocking and cradling it as I would a toddler that was having a most terrible tantrum. As I was soothing “the world” in this way, a blue light would envelop me and the world I held in my arms. I felt myself becoming a conduit for an exceptionally high form of love and compassion. Being an experiencer of this world, burdened with the same suffering as everyone else here, I too, felt the effects of this compassion and soothing. I do not remember how this practice started, but it felt like a gift to be able to be of service in this way. So while not all the experiences of totality have been traumatic, the vast majority have and it usually takes a month or so afterward to recover from it all.

In addition to totality, there are the moments of empathy I occasionally feel when encountering people in public. For example, not long ago I was eating lunch at a restaurant and saw a very stylish, professionally dressed woman hobbling in pain on 4″ stiletto heels. Her physical pain at wearing such shoes was obvious, but then I began to feel her emotional body. She was recently divorced and I felt her insecurity at growing older (I would gauge her age to be around 55 or so), and I felt her fear of not finding a loving companion and being alone in her older years. At once I felt deep compassion for her and I began to cry. I could feel all of her loneliness and insecurities and they stayed with me the rest of the day. This kind of empathic event does not take place on a daily basis, fortunately, but what I usually feel everyday are the shadow emotions of the human condition—all the dark emotional content that people are unable to deal with directly and thus bury deep in their own psychic dungeons. This swirling mass of unresolved grief, rage, fear, and pain is ever present with me and weighs very heavily in my heart. Because of this, I must limit my exposure to public places and crowds or suffer. This is one of the main reasons why the two years I spent working in a large department store were so excruciating and toxic to my health.

Earlier this year after I emerged from the totality of terror which had consumed me for several months at the end of 2014 and into the beginning of 2015, I asked my Self why this was happening to me; why was I experiencing such things that were not only excruciating emotionally, but damaging me physically? The answer that emerged was that I had agreed to these experiences and they were part of my purpose in being here. After processing this for some while, it occurred to me that I have a choice in this matter–I can choose to consent or not to consent to these experiences of totality. I decided that regardless of what I may have agreed to or not, I was no longer going to consent to them. With the exception of the compassion totality, they had been highly detrimental to me both emotionally and physically, and I needed to care for my human self. The totalities that I had experienced up to that point would have to suffice for my “purpose” because these experiences were just too much to ask of me or any other spiritual being.

Not long after having made this decision, I was invited, shall I say, to explore the realm of totality once more. I was triggered emotionally and began to process an experience of being vaporized in a nuclear detonation. One of the practices I use to process emotional (and physical) trauma is to allow myself to completely sink into the experience without judgment or conditions. Allowing myself to experience the pain unconditionally is not easy, but it helps me to process and move through it quicker than resisting does. As I fully sank into the experience, suddenly there before me, was the doorway into totality.  I was being invited in. As I stood at the threshold, I could feel the indescribable trauma of the souls that had been rent apart. The trauma and horror I felt at that threshold shook me in a way that nothing of this world ever has. I knew beyond any doubt that if I crossed into that realm, it would in all likelihood destroy me. I declared in my mind, I do not consent and immediately withdrew. What would possibly be the purpose of allowing myself to be physically and emotionally destroyed to experience the totality of something I have already experienced? Am I Jesus Christ, sent here to take on all the suffering of the world? No, I am not! I am certain too, that it was not my Self that was inviting me through that threshold. Since then, I have not received any more invitations to experience totality.

While I have no concrete answers about exactly why the experience of totality has been necessary to my purpose here—other than as a growth experience in learning about boundaries and consent—I am beginning to feel as if my human experience in this world is serving as something of a probe, absorbing in concentrate the entirety of the human emotional condition and sending it directly to higher levels to be assessed. It is possible too, that there are other purposes for these experiences that I am as yet unaware of.

While these experiences have been overwhelming and at times nearly devastating, they have allowed me to experience the human condition as it is, without any filters or denials. Although love, kindness and compassion are ever present, the vast majority of humans are only able to access these states of being intermittently, and many humans are unable to access them at all.

That said, there is not one being in this world who is not suffering; neither man nor woman, plant nor animal, controller nor controlled is free from its grasp while incarnate here. We all experience it in one form or another. I have learned through these experiences that energetically, trauma is the tie that binds us to this world, something I intend to write about further. Likewise, it has become obvious to me that because of the constant trauma everyone in this world is subject to, the vast majority of humans are wholly unable to help themselves or change their conditions, despite their intense suffering. Knowing this allows me to be a bit more generous with my compassion and a bit more lenient in my judgments when I see and experience the depravity surrounding me. When I find myself raging against the mind-boggling stupidity and selfishness that seems to define the human condition, a quiet, gentle voice emerges within and reminds me, “they cannot help themselves,” and indeed I know it to be true. Our inherent spiritual nature is not selfish or aggressive; we have been conditioned to be this way, and the programming runs very deep. Because of this, I am no longer concerned with changing the world or bringing in a new paradigm of consciousness or creating any kind of “new earth”. My spiritual focus—which is my only focus—is about reclaiming all parts of my Self and returning the entirety of my Being to the higher Light. The world will continue to do whatever it will do until it eventually consumes itself. Resisting it is counterproductive as that simply feeds power back into its structure. Until the demise of this matrix or my departure, I make every effort to maintain a high state of compassion and simply see it as it is. Nothing else is required.

Image courtesy of someordinarygamers.wikia.com.

 

“Terror” Attacks in Paris

I wrote this journal entry on November 14, 2015.

I would like to share what I experienced yesterday as it relates to what I have felt for many years, but until recently have been unable to verbalize. Likewise, it is time for me to share a broader experience that I have rarely spoken of because when it happens, it is exceptionally powerful and overwhelming. I will post that in a separate entry as it is rather lengthy.

For the past week or so I have been in a state of grieving for a dear friend who unexpectedly transitioned on November 4th. Whenever someone I love passes over, it brings up fears, thoughts and feelings about mortality, meaning and purpose that I had hidden from myself, so there is usually a period of introspection and processing that follows. However, when I awoke yesterday morning, I felt a tremendous depression and despair hovering over me. At first I assumed it was another level of processing of what I was already dealing with. Yet, as the day progressed, I felt I was being sucked into a vortex of overwhelming despair and grief. I couldn’t understand it because it felt so intense and out of proportion to what I was processing. Furthermore, my headache flared up again and felt like my brain was about to explode from my skull. Instead of spending the day at the library writing, I spent the better part of six hours sitting in my car crying uncontrollably. There was nothing I could do except be with it and allow it to run its course. I finally found some relief when I remembered a technique that entails placing the thumbs on one’s temples and finger pads on the frontal eminences of the forehead while sinking unconditionally into the feelings that are surfacing. I did this for about fifteen minutes and the despair departed. At this point I realized that I was experiencing something from the collective and was not my own personal grief and despair. Not long after that I went to pick my husband up from work and while there I heard about the “terror attacks” in Paris. I have no doubt that I was feeling the collective grief and despair from those incidents.

I share this because for most of my life I have experienced powerful and intense emotions that seemed to have no relation to me at all. Very often, these were surfacing emotions of traumatic events I had suppressed because I didn’t know how to deal with them at the time, and I no longer had a memory of the initial imprinting event. However, through time and much experience, I have learned to discern what are “my” emotions from this lifetime and others, and what I feel from the collective emotional body, such as what happened yesterday.

There is also another class of feeling that is worth mentioning here, and that is something of an artificially constructed energy directed at individuals or groups. I experienced this last night as well. I was laying in bed feeling very relaxed after doing some Reiki on myself to relieve my headache. Suddenly, I felt panic entering my body. It was like a laser beam entering between my shoulder blades into my heart chakra. My heart began to race. I was immediately aware that this was something being directed into me. I neutralized it quickly by visualizing and inhaling the golden light of Source entering through that exact spot between my shoulder blades and filling the entirety of my being with peace, and exhaling it out into the world as love. I did this until I felt calm again.

What I am beginning to realize is that very often (or perhaps always) I have the power of consent over these experiences. Up until the past year or so, I just allowed myself to be blown about by the onslaught of emotions that overwhelmed me, assuming that because I was feeling them they were “mine” and I had to experience them. However, now that I am better able to discern what are my genuine feelings and what I am absorbing from outside of me, I can choose to consent or not to consent. There are appropriate times for both.

What is important to clarify here is being able to discern between the pain that is generated from my individuated life experiences in this lifetime and others, and what is being generated from outside me. I stress this because I have learned that allowing myself to be unconditionally with what I am feeling has been integral to releasing and moving beyond those wounds. Attempting to suppress the emerging feelings through addictions, denial or distractions has been a recipe for prolonging the suffering. That said, sometimes the source of the feelings is obvious, as with the directed energy beam into my heart chakra last night, and sometimes it is not so obvious because of what I am already feeling, as was the case with the grief I felt yesterday. Being able to discern between the two allows me to choose to consent or not, and consciously wielding the power of consent has noticeably altered my human experience, which I will explain further in my next entry.