I wrote this journal entry on November 14, 2015.
I would like to share what I experienced yesterday as it relates to what I have felt for many years, but until recently have been unable to verbalize. Likewise, it is time for me to share a broader experience that I have rarely spoken of because when it happens, it is exceptionally powerful and overwhelming. I will post that in a separate entry as it is rather lengthy.
For the past week or so I have been in a state of grieving for a dear friend who unexpectedly transitioned on November 4th. Whenever someone I love passes over, it brings up fears, thoughts and feelings about mortality, meaning and purpose that I had hidden from myself, so there is usually a period of introspection and processing that follows. However, when I awoke yesterday morning, I felt a tremendous depression and despair hovering over me. At first I assumed it was another level of processing of what I was already dealing with. Yet, as the day progressed, I felt I was being sucked into a vortex of overwhelming despair and grief. I couldn’t understand it because it felt so intense and out of proportion to what I was processing. Furthermore, my headache flared up again and felt like my brain was about to explode from my skull. Instead of spending the day at the library writing, I spent the better part of six hours sitting in my car crying uncontrollably. There was nothing I could do except be with it and allow it to run its course. I finally found some relief when I remembered a technique that entails placing the thumbs on one’s temples and finger pads on the frontal eminences of the forehead while sinking unconditionally into the feelings that are surfacing. I did this for about fifteen minutes and the despair departed. At this point I realized that I was experiencing something from the collective and was not my own personal grief and despair. Not long after that I went to pick my husband up from work and while there I heard about the “terror attacks” in Paris. I have no doubt that I was feeling the collective grief and despair from those incidents.
I share this because for most of my life I have experienced powerful and intense emotions that seemed to have no relation to me at all. Very often, these were surfacing emotions of traumatic events I had suppressed because I didn’t know how to deal with them at the time, and I no longer had a memory of the initial imprinting event. However, through time and much experience, I have learned to discern what are “my” emotions from this lifetime and others, and what I feel from the collective emotional body, such as what happened yesterday.
There is also another class of feeling that is worth mentioning here, and that is something of an artificially constructed energy directed at individuals or groups. I experienced this last night as well. I was laying in bed feeling very relaxed after doing some Reiki on myself to relieve my headache. Suddenly, I felt panic entering my body. It was like a laser beam entering between my shoulder blades into my heart chakra. My heart began to race. I was immediately aware that this was something being directed into me. I neutralized it quickly by visualizing and inhaling the golden light of Source entering through that exact spot between my shoulder blades and filling the entirety of my being with peace, and exhaling it out into the world as love. I did this until I felt calm again.
What I am beginning to realize is that very often (or perhaps always) I have the power of consent over these experiences. Up until the past year or so, I just allowed myself to be blown about by the onslaught of emotions that overwhelmed me, assuming that because I was feeling them they were “mine” and I had to experience them. However, now that I am better able to discern what are my genuine feelings and what I am absorbing from outside of me, I can choose to consent or not to consent. There are appropriate times for both.
What is important to clarify here is being able to discern between the pain that is generated from my individuated life experiences in this lifetime and others, and what is being generated from outside me. I stress this because I have learned that allowing myself to be unconditionally with what I am feeling has been integral to releasing and moving beyond those wounds. Attempting to suppress the emerging feelings through addictions, denial or distractions has been a recipe for prolonging the suffering. That said, sometimes the source of the feelings is obvious, as with the directed energy beam into my heart chakra last night, and sometimes it is not so obvious because of what I am already feeling, as was the case with the grief I felt yesterday. Being able to discern between the two allows me to choose to consent or not, and consciously wielding the power of consent has noticeably altered my human experience, which I will explain further in my next entry.