One of the things that has consistently made it difficult to communicate what I am experiencing is that most of the time I feel tremendously overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed because I feel everything. Over the years, I have experienced a state of being that I call “totality.” It encompasses the totality of any given emotion and sometimes, specific conditions as well. To put it more succinctly, when I experience the totality of grief, for example, I experience the totality of all grief that has ever existed– past, present and future.
The first time I recognized it was in the spring of 2003, when I began a several week bout of uncontrollable crying. At first it was clear that this was deeply repressed pain that was surfacing. But as the weeks progressed and the grief became ever deeper, there was a moment of clarity when I knew I was not simply experiencing my personal grief, but had somehow transcended into a state of being comprised of the totality of all grief ever experienced. Although this is actually more of a state of being, for simplicity’s sake I will call it a realm. This realm of totality is infinite and exists outside of time. It was as if I were drowning in an endless sea of grief that had always existed. It seemed that deeply feeling my own pain had served as a gateway into this experience.
Over the years, I have experienced the totality of grief, rage, and terror among others. These experiences are overwhelming and make it exceptionally difficult to focus on anything else. This is partly why I’ve been unable to work full time or even focus on my job or daily tasks that need to be attended to. Occasionally it becomes incapacitating and has led to several “breakdowns”.
But it has not all been traumatic. I have also been blessed to experience the totality of compassion. Years ago, when I would feel overwhelmed by the suffering of the world, I would imagine holding the earth and all it’s inhabitants in my arms, rocking and cradling it as I would a toddler that was having a most terrible tantrum. As I was soothing “the world” in this way, a blue light would envelop me and the world I held in my arms. I felt myself becoming a conduit for an exceptionally high form of love and compassion. Being an experiencer of this world, burdened with the same suffering as everyone else here, I too, felt the effects of this compassion and soothing. I do not remember how this practice started, but it felt like a gift to be able to be of service in this way. So while not all the experiences of totality have been traumatic, the vast majority have and it usually takes a month or so afterward to recover from it all.
In addition to totality, there are the moments of empathy I occasionally feel when encountering people in public. For example, not long ago I was eating lunch at a restaurant and saw a very stylish, professionally dressed woman hobbling in pain on 4″ stiletto heels. Her physical pain at wearing such shoes was obvious, but then I began to feel her emotional body. She was recently divorced and I felt her insecurity at growing older (I would gauge her age to be around 55 or so), and I felt her fear of not finding a loving companion and being alone in her older years. At once I felt deep compassion for her and I began to cry. I could feel all of her loneliness and insecurities and they stayed with me the rest of the day. This kind of empathic event does not take place on a daily basis, fortunately, but what I usually feel everyday are the shadow emotions of the human condition—all the dark emotional content that people are unable to deal with directly and thus bury deep in their own psychic dungeons. This swirling mass of unresolved grief, rage, fear, and pain is ever present with me and weighs very heavily in my heart. Because of this, I must limit my exposure to public places and crowds or suffer. This is one of the main reasons why the two years I spent working in a large department store were so excruciating and toxic to my health.
Earlier this year after I emerged from the totality of terror which had consumed me for several months at the end of 2014 and into the beginning of 2015, I asked my Self why this was happening to me; why was I experiencing such things that were not only excruciating emotionally, but damaging me physically? The answer that emerged was that I had agreed to these experiences and they were part of my purpose in being here. After processing this for some while, it occurred to me that I have a choice in this matter–I can choose to consent or not to consent to these experiences of totality. I decided that regardless of what I may have agreed to or not, I was no longer going to consent to them. With the exception of the compassion totality, they had been highly detrimental to me both emotionally and physically, and I needed to care for my human self. The totalities that I had experienced up to that point would have to suffice for my “purpose” because these experiences were just too much to ask of me or any other spiritual being.
Not long after having made this decision, I was invited, shall I say, to explore the realm of totality once more. I was triggered emotionally and began to process an experience of being vaporized in a nuclear detonation. One of the practices I use to process emotional (and physical) trauma is to allow myself to completely sink into the experience without judgment or conditions. Allowing myself to experience the pain unconditionally is not easy, but it helps me to process and move through it quicker than resisting does. As I fully sank into the experience, suddenly there before me, was the doorway into totality. I was being invited in. As I stood at the threshold, I could feel the indescribable trauma of the souls that had been rent apart. The trauma and horror I felt at that threshold shook me in a way that nothing of this world ever has. I knew beyond any doubt that if I crossed into that realm, it would in all likelihood destroy me. I declared in my mind, I do not consent and immediately withdrew. What would possibly be the purpose of allowing myself to be physically and emotionally destroyed to experience the totality of something I have already experienced? Am I Jesus Christ, sent here to take on all the suffering of the world? No, I am not! I am certain too, that it was not my Self that was inviting me through that threshold. Since then, I have not received any more invitations to experience totality.
While I have no concrete answers about exactly why the experience of totality has been necessary to my purpose here—other than as a growth experience in learning about boundaries and consent—I am beginning to feel as if my human experience in this world is serving as something of a probe, absorbing in concentrate the entirety of the human emotional condition and sending it directly to higher levels to be assessed. It is possible too, that there are other purposes for these experiences that I am as yet unaware of.
While these experiences have been overwhelming and at times nearly devastating, they have allowed me to experience the human condition as it is, without any filters or denials. Although love, kindness and compassion are ever present, the vast majority of humans are only able to access these states of being intermittently, and many humans are unable to access them at all.
That said, there is not one being in this world who is not suffering; neither man nor woman, plant nor animal, controller nor controlled is free from its grasp while incarnate here. We all experience it in one form or another. I have learned through these experiences that energetically, trauma is the tie that binds us to this world, something I intend to write about further. Likewise, it has become obvious to me that because of the constant trauma everyone in this world is subject to, the vast majority of humans are wholly unable to help themselves or change their conditions, despite their intense suffering. Knowing this allows me to be a bit more generous with my compassion and a bit more lenient in my judgments when I see and experience the depravity surrounding me. When I find myself raging against the mind-boggling stupidity and selfishness that seems to define the human condition, a quiet, gentle voice emerges within and reminds me, “they cannot help themselves,” and indeed I know it to be true. Our inherent spiritual nature is not selfish or aggressive; we have been conditioned to be this way, and the programming runs very deep. Because of this, I am no longer concerned with changing the world or bringing in a new paradigm of consciousness or creating any kind of “new earth”. My spiritual focus—which is my only focus—is about reclaiming all parts of my Self and returning the entirety of my Being to the higher Light. The world will continue to do whatever it will do until it eventually consumes itself. Resisting it is counterproductive as that simply feeds power back into its structure. Until the demise of this matrix or my departure, I make every effort to maintain a high state of compassion and simply see it as it is. Nothing else is required.
Image courtesy of someordinarygamers.wikia.com.