The Joy Particle

I’d like to share some experiences from 2014 that may be of interest here. The energies I was experiencing at that time seemed to fluctuate between moments of intensity, prolonged periods of restlessness and—dare I say it—boredom. The following is a journal entry I recorded around that time:

“I will describe the loveliest experience first. It happened in mid or late July 2014. I was at work, feeling typically numb and focusing on my job. Then I felt it. It was so incredibly brief I could have easily missed it and continued on without another thought. But I didn’t miss it. I can best describe it as The Joy Particle. It felt as if a particle of pure, ecstatic joy entered my body through my back between my shoulder blades and exited through my chest. It passed through in what must have been a nanosecond; almost imperceptibly fast, yet just enough to register within my awareness. Although the moment was exceptionally brief, it was intense. The experience was Joy—ecstatic, beautiful perfection, beyond anything this shadow world can offer, almost mind blowing in its wonder. I stopped what I was doing as it registered within me and began to cry. I couldn’t help it; I felt such gratitude for the experience. The dark moments in this world are so dark, nearly intolerable, and this was a gift that I have continually returned to in reveries when I feel I am reaching my threshold of pain and grief.

Then I began to wonder why the experience was so brief. Immediately the answer emerged. It would have been overwhelming; the body would not have been able to tolerate it. I have a feeling too, that it was a prelude of things to come. There may be more of these “Joy Particles” and others may begin feeling them as well, if they haven’t already. I do know, however, that if I experience it again I will gladly surrender to it even if it turns this body to ash.

I should mention that there were some experiences prior to the Joy Particle that were not at all lovely, and were actually quite harrowing. I feel they were connected to the Joy Particle experience in some way, though my mind cannot as yet understand how. During this period I was experiencing intense night terrors. I would awake from a seemingly peaceful sleep screaming in terror, as if someone had awoken me with electric shocks. These were truly horrible, horrible experiences. Most of these fears were based in the mentality of survival and the belief in “death.” Although mentally and experientially I know that what I truly am cannot die, the programming of such is so deeply encoded into our biological vessels and the operating system of this particular holo-program (I won’t call it “reality” because what we experience here is nothing of the sort), it seems we have to pass through some kind of cathartic process to de-program ourselves of it.

What is interesting to me is that every single person I know who is committed to the path of “ascension” or reconnecting to their real life outside of this Holodeck program is going through the same thing—intense fears for their survival with frequent visits of the panic parade circling the house and occasionally getting swallowed up in it for hours if not days on end. For me, the brunt of it has passed and I’m beginning to feel rather numb to it all. Truly, how much fear and abject terror can one endure, pass through without harm, and not begin to realize that it is simply a process and not the end? For heaven’s sake, I even nearly died from a heart attack during this time. It was clear my body was “dying”. So this is it, this is how I leave this world, I thought, and I was accepting of that. I was lucid and unafraid during the experience and decided to wholly surrender to it. As soon as I did, the pain and pressure subsided and I was able to breathe and move again. I then wondered if I should go to the doctor or hospital and my inner voice said no, that they would find nothing wrong with me to explain what happened. And here I am, physically fine. (I should mention that I did go to a doctor some time after that, and they did an electrocardiogram in addition to some other tests, and my heart is in excellent health.)

What is a wonder to me is that even during that highly tumultuous time, I would experience moments of inexcusable joy. By “inexcusable” I mean joy that has no logical reason for being there; it is not predicated on any external circumstance, it just is. Ironically, this would usually unfold while I was at work of all places! I would feel total peace and contentment for everything exactly as it is—no need or desire to change anything; perfect clarity of mind and an inherent knowing that regardless of how things appear, there is absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. I would also feel deep connection and compassion with everyone around me, a playful light heartedness and an overriding feeling of gratitude for everything I’ve experienced here, even the most painful and traumatic moments. This joy would last for a few hours to a day. I am continually awed that I am capable of feeling such rage, fear, trauma, and grief in any given moment, and at the same time feel wholly at peace with it and in gratitude for everything I’ve experienced. Most importantly, I feel wonder about being willing to relinquish all of it.

Even though I am the one experiencing these things, my mind continues to marvel at it all and simply cannot grasp it. These are times that defy reason; simply to experience is key, and the mind can only expand when it treads into realms as yet unexplored.

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A Three Stooges Universe

Have you ever watched any of the old Three Stooges movies? I have, and I enjoy them in small doses because I love how they comically depict the crazy antics of the ego, and utilize an exaggerated, cartoon style violence; even though they get clobbered with bricks, smash each other over the head with wooden beams and poke each other in the eyes, they just pick themselves up, dust off and carry on! Of course, if they were actually getting hurt it wouldn’t be funny at all, but because we know that no one is really getting hurt, that it’s all a work of fiction, it becomes hilarious!

I had my own Three Stooges moment that took place over a year and a half ago and resurfaced earlier this year with a very different perspective. I was in a phase of this rich, delightful journey through perimenopause in which my moods were often nothing less than demonic and I was ready to eviscerate anyone for any reason at all. It was during this time that my husband and I got into a quarrel that became quite the sore spot in our hearts. The subject of our fight is not particularly important as we all know how couple’s quarrels are often very intense and important to those doing the quarreling, and utterly asinine to those unfortunate enough to witness them. Yet such arguments can quickly escalate when deeply buried shadow issues are surfacing to be reconciled, as was the case for us at that time.

We were shouting at each other and calling names when suddenly my husband threw a pillow in my face. It didn’t do any damage, of course, because it was a pillow, but it hurt. In that moment I was so angry, I wanted to jump up and rip his ears right off his head. Immediately a voice within me asked, do you really want to take this to the next level? In the split second it took me to consider, I said YES. And up I went, lunging at him. We grappled with each other down the hallway like two cage fighters until finally we both got tired and went off to sulk in separate rooms. We emerged from that fight with our bodies unscathed, but our hearts deeply bruised. It was such a painful episode in our emotional life that I just didn’t want to think about it, so I tossed it in the “I don’t know how to deal with this” bin and basically forgot about it.

Fast forward one year… I was at my hellish department store job focusing on a task, when for some reason the memory of that awful incident came to mind. And suddenly, I began to laugh. And I laughed some more. The laughter began to roll out of me in great snorts and throaty gobbles. I couldn’t stop laughing! I was laughing with such forcefulness I began to dribble in my pants. And on it went; it was uncontrollable, delirious laughter unlike anything I’d experienced before. I wasn’t laughing to cover over the pain of the incident because I felt no pain about it at all anymore. Nor was it a mocking, self-effacing laughter. It was laughter of pure, unbridled hilarity.

One year had distanced me from that painful event, yet recalling it in my mind at that moment was like watching some wacky Three Stooges episode! Just as Curly, Larry and Moe go through insane antics that appear to be caustically violent, no one is ever hurt because they are role-playing a work of fiction. And in that moment I knew beyond any doubt that my entire life and the world as we know it is nothing more than just that—a work of fiction. Not only that, but a work of fiction I had willfully convinced myself into believing is real. This realization was nothing less than an epiphany—an epiphany of great hilarity.

When I arrived home later that night (with a very sore side, I might add) I shared the bizarre experience with my husband, and he too, found it hilarious but with a tinge of compassion for the parts of us that had been so painfully convinced of its reality. I realized then that this perspective shift was a gift I had bequeathed myself to allow in a profound healing, not just for that particular experience, but as an opportunity to witness all the traumas I’ve experienced in this world from an expanded perspective, that of the Eternal Self that cannot die or be injured in any way, and unequivocally knows when it projects itself into this matrix, that it will emerge unscathed. I realize for most it may be difficult to believe or even conceptualize that what goes on in this insane and oftentimes painful “reality” has absolutely no detrimental effect on the highest levels of our Beingness, but in my experience this is the case.

While I feel profound gratitude to have experienced a painful moment from a wholly different perspective, it has not yet filtered over to all the other painful episodes of my life. However, it has allowed me to begin thinking about them in a different way—that of knowing that whatever craziness goes on in this Holodeck universe, the data from the experience is stored, but absolutely none of the trauma comes with us when we return to the Self from which we projected. More importantly, it also crystallized within me how I intend to leave this world: When it comes time for me to exit this body and return to my point of initiation, it will not be with tears of grief, bitterness or despair. No, I choose to leave this world in glorious, uncontrollable peals of laughter, knowing that what I AM can never be defeated, damaged, or killed, knowing that exploring every possible facet of this created universe has been but a brief moment in the timelessness of Eternity. I choose to leave knowing that I AM already at Home and always have been, awaiting my return from this most poignant, amazing, and oftentimes hilarious adventure.